"Pretty bows on a pile of sh$t only make it harder to flush." ― Kimberly McCreight, A Good Marriage
"I was still a newlywed and certainly wasn't to the point where I felt comfortable yelling, "I'm going to shit my pants any second!" But the sweating had started, which was followed by the tears. "I'm not feeling well, and need to get home," I told him. "Ok, but I have to obey the speed limit because of all the kids in the neighborhood," he replied. I was pleading with him to hurry up when he came to a complete stop. I screamed at him, "Why are we stopping?" He rolled down the window. "Retreat." I could see the flag lowering in the distance, the beautiful orange sun setting behind it. In the opposite direction I could see the roof line of our home - so close, yet so far away. As Retreat played, I surrendered. I pooped my pants. I took one for the flag. Now that's patriotism." ― Mollie Gross, Confessions of a Military Wife
"Jayden went for my fries, ignoring Anna's narrowed gaze. "Thanks, babe." "You two know each other?" Jo gestured between Jayden and me with her fork. Before I could nod, he dropped an arm over my shoulders. "She's my bae." I grinned. "Bae?" Keira sighed. "I hate that word. Do you know what it really means?" "Poop," I answered without thinking. "In Danish." My eyes widened. Holy crap. I'd spoken without hesitation at lunch! Holy crap! No one recognized my internal freak-out over it, but I couldn't believe it. I sat there and spoke with no problem. I needed to give myself a cookie. Anna giggled. "Oh, man. I know. I know. Still think it's a cute word." Across from her, Keira rolled her eyes. "It literally means shit." "Mallory is the shit, though." ― Jennifer L. Armentrout, The Problem with Forever
"And I got the like, crazy mental illness, so like, maybe someday they'll be like, 'Yeah, he was like Rembrandt, or, uh, Picasso, only he didn't, he didn't cut his ear off, but he ate his own shit. That's so funny, dude. Oh, that's so funny. I'm glad I'm secure in my own idiocy." ― Aaron Kyle Andresen
"When Johnny Depp said he found poop all over his bed, I got embarrassed, thinking my ducks had broken into his house and used his sheets like a garden. But boy was I relieved when he placed the blame on Amber Heard, where it properly belongs." ― Jarod Kintz, Ducks are the stars of the karaoke bird world
"Life is nothin but poop, so eat lots of beans.... And prunes" ― Cray jones
"We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop."
"Did it taste like poop?" Hank inquired as he quickly pulled into a rest stop filled with church buses.
"Since I don't eat poop," Dima snapped, "I wouldn't know."
"But you do eat people?"
"I do not eat people," she yelled.
"But your people eat people?" I prodded nicely.
"Occasionally," she hissed. "And your people sniff each other's asses when in animal form..."
She had a point - and a foul one at that." ― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time
"And the feasts on the poop and the musicians." ― C.S. Lewis, Prince Caspian
"You can't polish a turd" ― Kenneth Turnbull
"Here is an interesting side note about burglary psychology. Many burglary reports, after itemizing a list of stolen possessions, note that the burglar has defecated in the house, sometimes in a corner, on the floor, and sometimes in the bathroom, and sometimes in the shrubbery outside, beneath the broken window. I remember one burglary victim telling me, "He took all the stereo equipment in the den, ransacked the bedroom and then took a shit in the bathroom but didn't flush. I came home and found a big turd floating in the toilet!" It almost seems to add insult to injury, doesn't It? Actually, there is a physical reason for this. Burglarizing a house causes the burglar to produce stress hormones, like Noradrenaline, corisol and adrenaline. Often an extreme amount of stress hormones can be created while in the act of burglarizing a home. And some people react to stress by taking a shit. Not flushing the toilet, that's the insult part." ― Don Dupay, Behind the Badge in River City: A Portland Police Memoir
"We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop." ― Robyn Peterman, Some Were In Time
"Life is my greatest enemy." ― kevin mcpherson eckhoff, Easy Peasy
"A small, light object landed on my head. I looked around. Another small something hit me. I looked up. After a third thing hit me, I untangled a couple of deer droppings from my hair. It was spotted deer poop. I must be one of the only kids on the planet to recognise the sultana-like pellets of hares and deer and the boulders left by elephant and rhino. I heard a cackle behind me and turned to receive a handful of deer pellets full in the face." ― Jane Wilson-Howarth, Himalayan Kidnap
"Pets enrich our lives...and poop on our floors!" ― Steven Magee
"That whole first year, jeez, your entire life revolves around poop. The presence of poop. The absence of poop. The discovery of poop. The aromatic sensation of poop. The waiting for poop. Seriously, I can't express how much of your life will be spent waiting for poop once you have children." ― Fredrik Backman, Things My Son Needs to Know about the World
"The foundation of human health is poop!" ― Steven Magee
"As any Buddhist monk will tell you, the mind is a monkey. Given a daily routine, it first gets the hang of it, then it gets bored and starts flinging feces. Our simian tenants resent us because nothing changes enough to keep them amused. In protest, they refuse to work at peak primate efficiency." ― Thomm Quackenbush, Holidays with Bigfoot
"And I got the like, crazy mental illness, so like, maybe someday they'll be like, 'Yeah, he was like Rembrandt, or, uh, Picasso, only he didn't, he didn't cut his ear off, but he ate his own shit'. That's so funny, dude. Oh, that's so funny. I'm glad I'm secure in my own idiocy." ― Aaron Kyle Andresen
"You know your poop is heading in the right direction when you are clean wiping!" ― Steven Magee
"History is always written by the winner and they think their shit don't stink." ― Sarah Biglow, Lucifer's Emblem
"Toddlers are like the worst inmates. When they're not lying to your face and tearing up your shit, they're napping, pooping, or trying to think of different ways to fuck with you." ― Karin Slaughter (author)
"Toddlers are like the worst inmates. When they're not lying to your face and tearing up your shit, they're napping, pooping, or trying to think of different ways to fuck with you." ― Karin Slaughter, The Silent Wife
"There's a reason Martha Stewart raises chickens and not ducks. Ducks consume a lot of food and water, and it all has to go somewhere. To put it plainly, these fowl produce copious amounts of wet droppings that have a truly unpleasant odor." ― Cherie Langlois, Ducks: Tending a Small-Scale Flock for Pleasure and Profit
"Are you a clean or dirty wiper?" ― Steven Magee
"Johnny's Sh*temare by Stewart Stafford
Amber did sh*t in Johnny's bed, She did it while he was sleeping, Right by Johnny's head.
Stank awake on a mattress lumpy, He saw what Amber had left him, A hot, steaming grumpy.
Browned off, he leapt to his feet, No dogs stained his manhood, Or crapped on the sheet.
Now he's sued her for defamation, And they call her Amber Turd, For her reckless defecation.
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